Tuesday, January 06, 2009


They look nice but you probably don't want to wear them to shovel snow.

Jeff has a new (used) "high performance" car and man does that car look good. Actually, I picked her out and talked him into getting her. "You deserve it" I said, allowing the car's movie-star good looks and prestigious hood ornament to temporarily blind me as I brushed away that silly little angel on my shoulder saying, "Shouldn't you at least check Consumers' Report first?"

No, we threw caution to the wind and it was lust at first sight for Jeff. He bought her on a sunny fall day and drove her up the driveway proudly. We took a test drive and were in awe at the heated seat controls even in the back! Lots of leg room, the kids marveled. Heated steering wheel--t's a dream come true. We zoomed through the neighborhood going too fast and laughing as Jeff executed James Bondesque turns. Men looked up from raking their lawns with envy in their eyes. We loved it. We, who have driven Novas and Toyotas our whole lives, finally had a hot car. The fall was a magical season with the new big-boy toy in the driveway.

But alas, like all sizzling romances, it cooled when the leaves fell and the snow flew. After a month of snow, you can say the honeymoon is over. It turns out that Jeff's car is like a trophy wife. She sure looks good but she's pretty useless when the going gets tough. Watching her try to gain enough traction on an icy road to show off her high-performance skills is like watching a trophy wife try to shovel the driveway in her Manolo Blahniks. It's clear she hates the cold and ice. She's accustomed to heated garages and valet parking.

Which is unfortunate for her because we do not put our cars in the garage and we seldom valet park.

So Miss Trophy Wife car is forced to sit outside with snow and ice on her. She complains bitterly about this. When you put her in reverse, her rear-bumper sensors go off constantly as if to say, "Oooh, I'm so cold," until you get out and clean the bumper off. My mini-van rolls its headlights at her and says, "Really, bitch, you should try carting three kids around for ten years and then whine to me about a little ice on your high-performance ass."

Coffee Friend 2 suggested we put her in storage and buy a nice little four-wheel drive for the winter. I think she may have been making fun of us.

At any rate, as you speed past us as we struggle up a slight icy incline in your sensible vehicle, feel free to chuckle at us, but come this spring, if the trophy wife car survives the winter, we'll look fabulous.

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